I wanted to revisit the last post. The idea of chivalry caught piqued my own curiosity and I went out to see what I could find out about it,
Here was the recurrent pattern: 1) Guy does for attractive girl 2) Guy does for attractive girl 3) Guy does for attractive girl (repeat as necessary).
It sounds innocent enough, especially when we consider the number of single female people that bemoan the death of chivalry and present it as the cause of their inability to land an acceptable mate.
There's one problem with this entire scenario. Claiming to be chivalrous because you performed some polite task is like claiming to have purchased a high-performance sports car when all you have bought is a tire. Further, to perform a few chivalrous tasks in order to attract the attention of the opposite sex in hopes of gaining their affection is like claiming to have bought the aforementioned car while having only seen an advertisement for it between episodes of "Ridiculousness".
Let me put it this way. If you open a door for a lady because you think you are increasing your chances of (don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about), you aren't chivalrous, you're executing a plan.
Chivalry is a lot more than opening a door or pulling out a chair for a beautiful woman. Chivalry is about manners, courage, honor, dignity, respect and propriety. In short, it's about doing the right thing because its the right thing. If you need a reward for being chivalrous, you've missed the point.
So you opened a door for an attractive young lady. Did you then shut it on an elderly lady that you neglected to notice in your haste to try to get the young lady's phone number? Did you then tell the young lady a few lies about yourself in an attempt to impress her? Did you betray friendships to pursue her? Did you break oaths or encourage her to break oaths?
It's far more complicated than a few kind gestures. It's about motivations. Are yours pure or selfish?
Of course if that's the only reason a man does chivalry (only to attractive women hoping to score a date) it doesn't make chivalry part of his character as a man. But to state that chivalry can't also come with some benefit or reward to the giver is not fully correct. A gentleman can do chivalry to feel better about himself. Getting a smile from a woman can make a guy's day go better. He can do chivalry for lots of different women while still hoping that doing it often may end up with him being perceived better by many of them and perhaps one or more will be interested in dating him (if that's what he's looking for). It can be done by a man in a relationship so the overall spirit of the relationship gets better for her AND for him.
ReplyDeleteAlthough we can speak of doing the right thing for the sake of itself, there is a side to us that needs to feel some benefit. Chivalry of olden times was done by a knight to some extent to gain the favor of female royalty and ascend to positions of higher honor. It wasn't without some possible rewards.
You are correct that the intent matters.
John, thanks for the excellent comment. I welcome the discussion of this topic as I believe it is one that is pivotal for our society as a whole.
DeleteWithout doubt, there are rewards for chivalry - both internal and external. One would hope that the women today find men who demonstrate the manners of chivalry to be more attractive and seek them out. It is just better for our society as a whole if gallant men succeed and the pigs of men fail to pass along their nasty behavior.
One of the points that I'm trying to make is that there are elements of chivalry that do not involve any direct interaction with women at all. I think of the Allied soldiers in frozen foxholes in the Ardennes during the Battle of the Bulge. Their courage, loyalty and dedication was the reason any of them survived. Chivalry got them home.
These men had rewards untold. The pride they must have had for saving us all be making their dwelling in the very shadow of death. Knowing that they were men who could be trusted by their peers and that they had peers they could trust, in any circumstance. That is an incredible reward. But he reward was just that. It was not the motivation. They did what they did because they were men, and that was what men did.
That's what we have to get back to. Men who do the right thing because that's what men do. Rewards will surely follow and the chivalrous men will benefit from those rewards. No doubt
But chivalry is its own reward.