Homonyms with the Duchess & friends

The world is full of contentious and controversial news right now. There's plenty to write about but more than enough people writing about it. We need something to pick us up and lighten things up a bit.

And we're in luck. Because I was sitting in a local chicken establishment enjoying the final few bites of a country ham biscuit, and catching up on Twitter (@BiscuitsGA), when what to my wondering eyes should appear? Her royal highness, the Duchess of Paddlefoot, Janeal Picklesimer along with her sidekick, Loucilla Pickens and their husbands, Carl and Buck, respectively.

The quartet ordered their breakfast and found their seats, luckily close enough for me to overhear the conversation. 

"I tell you what", Loucilla started, "this Common Cord stuff at Junior's school is 'bout outta hand. He done come home tellin' me that they's learnin' bout homonyms. I'm gonna go up to that school today and tell 'em that I think they need to work on readin' and math and leave them homosectionals in the movies. It's like they're takin over the world. We don't need them in our schools."

Carl looked up for a second but then went back to his breakfast. Buck didn't even pause. No time for frivolous talking. They needed to eat and get to work. You know how you pass the work crews on the roadside and there's about eight people watching that one guy in the hole working his can off? Yeah. These two aren't part of the eight. They're the ones welding, wrenching, hammering. They're best friends and can communicate effectively with facial expressions, gestures and the occasional grunt. The pair once built a fishing dock in three hours with two hammers, a circular saw, a box of nails, and only 4 audible words, one of which was "beer". 

"Homonyms ain't got nothin to do with that, Loucilla. They's words that sound like other words." My ears really perked up. Janeal has some education! Then she continued, "Think about rainch. Buck used a rainch to fix your plummin when the toilet backed up into your kitchen sank. And then all that nasty stuff drained back down the pipes. Then you had to rainch out all that gross stuff that was left sticking to the sides of it. And then you got this here rainch dressin that I'm dippin my fries in. And then there's that rainch where we rode horses in Mawn-tana."

I was almost in tears. Then Lucilla grasped the concept.

"Oh, like how we're sittin in these cheers eatin breakfast and we used to be cheerleaders in school."

"Yep. And how the water level in the sank sank when Buck fixed it."

Lucilla laughed "Ooh, and tar! Like the tars on the car and the road is made of tar too. And those two go together! What do you call it when somethin like that happens? It's umm, umm, oh yeah, moronic!"

"No, not moronic, Ironic. Moronic is those people from Utah on the bicycles that run from my dog when they come to my door."

That was all I could do. If I stayed any longer, I was going to bust out laughing and then Carl and Buck would feel compelled to beat me with a rainch...er...wrench.

Until next time...

Christmas Rant, 2013

And so it's Christmastime. The Holidays. A time of Season's Greetings.

But it isn't very merry or happy and I sure don't feel like greeting anyone. It's hard to get into the idea of "Silent Night" with the constant din of the season ringing in my ears.

For me it isn't the "commercialization" of the season, per se. Yes, it was quite depressing that all the major retail centers were in full Christmas mode before they even had all the excess Halloween candy on the discount racks. But in reality, I don't frequent such places enough to cause such malaise.

I've touched on part of the cause here before. But to be honest, our December problem is not getting better.

So, I'm going to emit a few thoughts, to let off some of the pressure and see if it gets me into the spirit.

Santa Claus. Seriously? What race is the Easter Bunny? The Tooth Fairy? The Great Pumpkin? St. Nicholas (the original 3rd & 4th century saint) was Greek and/or Turkish. The guy in the red suit in America has influences that are, shall we say, "non-Mediterranean". He has typically been portrayed as white due to the cultural norms of the time. If I go in a mall and I see Santa that is Black, White, Greek, Native American or Filipino, I'm not going to freak out. I promise that I'm going to be a lot more disturbed by being in a mall at Christmastime than I will be at what color Santa Claus is.

Happy Holidays. Seriously. There's a lot of them this time of year. In fact, between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day there are between four and 10 feasts, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and 4 Advent Sundays - depending on which Christian liturgical calendar you follow. There is also usually Hanukkah - which isn't Christian but is important to Judaism, which is pivotal to the understanding of Christianity and since Christmas celebrates the birth of an observer of Hanukkah (John 10:22-23), I think it's ok to include it. And while I don't celebrate Kwanzaa myself, I'm not offended by those that do and if someone were to politely wish me a "Happy Kwanzaa" I wouldn't be offended. I'd be happy that someone thought enough to say something nice to me instead of many of the other things I get called or told.

Fighting over what displays are and are not allowed in town. How old are you? Are you really that offended that something you do not believe in is on display in the town square? Regardless of how you identify Him, Jesus Christ is world renowned as a teacher, spiritual leader, bringer of peace and prophet that compelled people to love one another. Are you really offended by that? If so, don't live in the Bible Belt where people parade Him around like a trophy.

Are you offended that He isn't being paraded around enough? What personal insecurity might be causing that? Jesus was born in a stable and 2000 years later is still common in conversation and remains one of the most celebrated people ever. I don't think He's offended by not being displayed outside the courthouse. He has a way of getting into the places He wants to be (John 20:19)

This is a really long way around to say I have a lot of fatigue related to the bickering and arguing that accompanies this time of the year.

My request for this Christmas is just that we be a little more kind, a little more polite and a little more accommodating to each other. If someone bids you a polite greeting that you might not have chosen, be polite with your response and go on about your way.

In short, be merry, be happy, be whatever one you choose. But if you can't be polite, please be quiet.