I've been fighting a few stumps this week. Well, to be honest, I have fought them longer than that. The difference this week is that I finally was fed up and decided to be done with the stumps. They looked innocent enough. Just a few shrubs that should have taken a short amount of time to dig up with a shovel and be done with it.
The stumps had other ideas.
I employed the services of a handy-dandy 4-wheel drive pickup to finally drag one from his perch - kicking and screaming the whole time. It was ugly and half of my wife's flower bed came with it. Fortunately, the bed was not currently in use - after all, there were two bothersome stumps sitting where the new plants are to reside. I laughed in maniacal triumph at my victory over stump #1 and then noticed the mess that was caused. A careful investigation of stump # 2 revealed that a similar plan of attack was probably going to create the need for a licensed plumber to reset my sewer line and probably cause my poor wife to call the men in white coats to come and carry me to a place a little more fitting for a deranged conquistador of stumps.
Not that I could blame her.
So, I changed course and used some of my equipment - namely an ax-ish tool that has seen better days. The blade of the tool has roughly the same sharpness of a baseball bat or maybe a club...you know...like Captain Caveman.
That was never going to work. And so it was going to be up to that ol' Southern standby...the neighbor.
I am blessed with an outstanding neighbor, the kind that people used to have in the days before they wrote blogs or watched American Idol or Twittered or whatever we do these days instead of talk to those people that we see every day but don't really know. A quick visit across the street, some laughs over "are you still fightin' that silly stump?" and some small talk, I reemerged at home with a formidable ax...well, almost. In reality, the fifth or sixth whack and the stump was laughing again. The poor ax was reduced to a whimpering mass with a severed head. The blow snapped the handle clean in two.
My wife suggested that I set aside the brute force in favor of chemical warfare. For once, I agreed with her. So off to the neighborhood hardware store and when I returned I was well armed with a bottle of "stump-be-dead" and a new ax handle - as if I knew something about replacing an ax handle. Some friendly advice from the guy at the hardware store and a man actually reading directions can gel to overcome many obstacles and in a matter of time the ax was enjoying a new golden age - a glory better than before the altercation with the stump. Amazing.
The good news of the day? My neighbor says that he now owns an ax with a new handle for the first time ever. The stump is now gurgling and hacking out in the front yard. My sons got to see dad make something that was wrong be made right again. I got to accomplish something that I had never before attempted and very soon, my wife will have a new and improved flower bed in front of the house. And best of all, that stump will be dead. I may let one of the kids pull it up, just to add insult to injury.
And all of that without the guys in the white coats getting called out to the house...at least I don't think they will...
Monday, May 3, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
April 9
I'd be remiss in my duties as a writer of Southern ramblings if I let April 9 come and go without so much as a mention. I've wanted to write something on this topic for some time, so here goes.
For all of you up north or elsewhere on the globe, the significance of the date is that it was the day that Robert E. Lee donned his finest uniform, polished to perfection and with great dignity and honor entered the home of Wilmer McLean to present the formal surrender of the Army of Northern Virginia to his dingy, mud covered fellow West Pointer, Union General Ulysses S. Grant (we all know his name was Hiram, but we humor him anyway). The time is memorialized in the song best known as performed by The Band (better performed by the Black Crowes and also butchered by Joan Baez) "The Night They Drove Ol' Dixie Down".
Yeah, I've read a little about it before. (And the version by The Crowes is my inspiration today)
There is a certain sadness in the heart of this Southern boy when I hear the very name "Appomattox". It marked the certain doom of the Confederacy and the end of an experiment. And yet, while the Tenth Amendment died in that house on that day, there was some good that came from that house. The abolition of human slavery on this continent (as it was operated then) was accelerated by several years and untold lives were saved as two formidable foes ceased trying to destroy each other.
I want to share a little about the fact that the Confederate Revolution was missing one major point that would have made all the difference. Like it's predecessor, the American Revolution, the Confederate Revolution was a fight for individual liberty, a war for freedom from tyranny, oppression and government manipulation. The problem is, they weren't fighting for all Southerners and that is the very thing that doomed the endeavor from the beginning.
The South is a diverse place, made of diverse people from diverse cultures. Each and every component is needed to get a true South. You have to have the West Paces Ferry Rd section of Atlanta, the Ninth Ward of New Orleans, The Great Smoky Mountains, the Paynes Prairie area of Florida, The Alamo, Beale Street in Memphis, The Grand Ole Opry and the 40 Watt - and so much more. You have to take it all or you lose the essence of what it is to be Southern. Tied in all of this is the food, music, lore, the very attitude of the region. And while on that evening of April 9, 1865, they may have drove ol' Dixie down, it wasn't so much a death as it was a second chance at life, the opportunity to go back and be Southern, truly Southern, with everyone and everything included.
If I'm honest, I have to say that part of me would like to see the day where another Southern Nation is born in the spirit of the Constitution but I also have to be honest and say that I would never want to see that nation allow Southerners, or any one else for that matter, to be chained in bondage while guilty of nothing but being a particular race. The immense freedom that is afforded in the Confederate form of government would only be beneficial to some if it were available to all.
I've said all of that to say that seeing the flag furled brings a tear to my eye. But it also reminds me that some people, even close friends of mine, would have been set back if that experiment had worked at that time. I could take this time to explain the facts that the war was about much, much more than slavery. I know that already, the statistics don't lie. But there are enough people arguing that point all over the South today and honestly, I'd rather see the South look to a promising future, one in which Slavery and Jim Crow are laid in their graves.
This isn't just another token "can't we all just get along" article. It is a statement of fact that Southern is a big word with a big definition and if we are to be truly Southern we have to be truly Southern - with liberty for all.
For all of you up north or elsewhere on the globe, the significance of the date is that it was the day that Robert E. Lee donned his finest uniform, polished to perfection and with great dignity and honor entered the home of Wilmer McLean to present the formal surrender of the Army of Northern Virginia to his dingy, mud covered fellow West Pointer, Union General Ulysses S. Grant (we all know his name was Hiram, but we humor him anyway). The time is memorialized in the song best known as performed by The Band (better performed by the Black Crowes and also butchered by Joan Baez) "The Night They Drove Ol' Dixie Down".
Yeah, I've read a little about it before. (And the version by The Crowes is my inspiration today)
There is a certain sadness in the heart of this Southern boy when I hear the very name "Appomattox". It marked the certain doom of the Confederacy and the end of an experiment. And yet, while the Tenth Amendment died in that house on that day, there was some good that came from that house. The abolition of human slavery on this continent (as it was operated then) was accelerated by several years and untold lives were saved as two formidable foes ceased trying to destroy each other.
I want to share a little about the fact that the Confederate Revolution was missing one major point that would have made all the difference. Like it's predecessor, the American Revolution, the Confederate Revolution was a fight for individual liberty, a war for freedom from tyranny, oppression and government manipulation. The problem is, they weren't fighting for all Southerners and that is the very thing that doomed the endeavor from the beginning.
The South is a diverse place, made of diverse people from diverse cultures. Each and every component is needed to get a true South. You have to have the West Paces Ferry Rd section of Atlanta, the Ninth Ward of New Orleans, The Great Smoky Mountains, the Paynes Prairie area of Florida, The Alamo, Beale Street in Memphis, The Grand Ole Opry and the 40 Watt - and so much more. You have to take it all or you lose the essence of what it is to be Southern. Tied in all of this is the food, music, lore, the very attitude of the region. And while on that evening of April 9, 1865, they may have drove ol' Dixie down, it wasn't so much a death as it was a second chance at life, the opportunity to go back and be Southern, truly Southern, with everyone and everything included.
If I'm honest, I have to say that part of me would like to see the day where another Southern Nation is born in the spirit of the Constitution but I also have to be honest and say that I would never want to see that nation allow Southerners, or any one else for that matter, to be chained in bondage while guilty of nothing but being a particular race. The immense freedom that is afforded in the Confederate form of government would only be beneficial to some if it were available to all.
I've said all of that to say that seeing the flag furled brings a tear to my eye. But it also reminds me that some people, even close friends of mine, would have been set back if that experiment had worked at that time. I could take this time to explain the facts that the war was about much, much more than slavery. I know that already, the statistics don't lie. But there are enough people arguing that point all over the South today and honestly, I'd rather see the South look to a promising future, one in which Slavery and Jim Crow are laid in their graves.
This isn't just another token "can't we all just get along" article. It is a statement of fact that Southern is a big word with a big definition and if we are to be truly Southern we have to be truly Southern - with liberty for all.
Monday, March 22, 2010
The Apprentice - Politics style
I wasn't sure what to make of what happened in the u.S. Congress yesterday. My initial feeling was a turning stomach and then something hit me. No, it wasn't a bus and it certainly wasn't the realization that I had been wrong all along.
What hit me was the realization that the Tea Act didn't last and neither did the Stamp Act. Or the Boston Port Act. Or the Massachusetts Government Act, Administration of Justice Act or the Quartering Act. While many people in today's society see the constant creep of government programs and other usurpation of our liberty with the "boiling a frog" analogy in mind I tend to take a different view after last evening's epiphany.
If it were not for the Intolerable Acts, we would all be British subjects.
What happened yesterday when our government passed a sweeping piece of legislation that is vehemently opposed by most Americans was a step in a series of new Intolerable Acts that is leading to a revolution of our own age. Now, before you fly out and call the ATF or FBI on me, let me explain.
Our form of government, the finest currently in use on Earth, was specially designed by people that understood that people are pretty good when out in the wild, just trying to hammer out a life. They also realized that this trait was nullified after an extended period in a position of power - like 15, maybe 20 minutes. These same people had just completed a seven year revolution during which metal balls of various circumferences were hurled from tubes of various sizes striking people violently while long sharp objects of various sizes were jabbed into people. They probably weren't completely beyond more of the same if needed but they would have liked a better way when this became necessary once again.
So they came up with the idea of letting the people peaceably overthrow the government every two years, whether it needed it or not - which, usually, it does. All 435 members of the House of Representatives can be fired every 730 days, give or take. The executive branch gets a one-revolution reprieve coming up to possibly be fired every four years and the Senate has immunity for two overthrows - only 1/3 of them can be pulled into the boardroom per revolution.
The greatest thing in all of this is that instead of Donald Trump, these candidates have to squirm and stutter while facing their bosses - you and me. And we can be much less forgiving than The Donald. Just ask Jimmy Carter.
So now we consider the boardroom. These candidates come in and toot their horns about how great they are or have been and how raunchy and stupid the other candidates are and how sorry you will be if you don't fire them. You have an opportunity to listen to all the yakking and even a few opportunities to ask questions and dig around looking for what the reality in the issue is. And then the moment of truth. You go into the polling location and check one box, effectively turning to the other candidate with a firm glare and saying "You're fired!"
So this is where you decide what constitutes a good job in your eyes. You be The Donald.
Me? I hate this health care bill. I hate the "because I'm the President" mentality in Washington - and not just from Obama. It is hard to comprehend that when visitors knocked on the front door of the White House, Thomas Jefferson answered it. John Tyler was playing marbles with his children when he learned he had become President. President John Quincy Adams swam in the Potomac...in the nude. I want someone real in there. I realize the world has changed and that the President won't be answering the door at the White House any time soon. But let's remember which one of us is the boss and which is the employee, ok?
That is just one example. And while the current political climate is heated, is it really any more partisan than when Vice President Aaron Burr killed former treasury secretary Alexander Hamilton in a duel over a slight related to an election? Is it more abrasive than when Congressman Preston Brooks walked into the Senate chamber and beat Senator Charles Sumner with a walking cane for having insulted Brooks' uncle, Andrew Butler? Partisan bickering in America predates the republic itself.
So now you have to sit in the big chair, weigh your candidates' performance in their duties or their preparedness to assume the duties anew. Then the decision is yours. Who do you fire? Who ever you keep be prepared to deal with them until the next boardroom in 2012.
What hit me was the realization that the Tea Act didn't last and neither did the Stamp Act. Or the Boston Port Act. Or the Massachusetts Government Act, Administration of Justice Act or the Quartering Act. While many people in today's society see the constant creep of government programs and other usurpation of our liberty with the "boiling a frog" analogy in mind I tend to take a different view after last evening's epiphany.
If it were not for the Intolerable Acts, we would all be British subjects.
What happened yesterday when our government passed a sweeping piece of legislation that is vehemently opposed by most Americans was a step in a series of new Intolerable Acts that is leading to a revolution of our own age. Now, before you fly out and call the ATF or FBI on me, let me explain.
Our form of government, the finest currently in use on Earth, was specially designed by people that understood that people are pretty good when out in the wild, just trying to hammer out a life. They also realized that this trait was nullified after an extended period in a position of power - like 15, maybe 20 minutes. These same people had just completed a seven year revolution during which metal balls of various circumferences were hurled from tubes of various sizes striking people violently while long sharp objects of various sizes were jabbed into people. They probably weren't completely beyond more of the same if needed but they would have liked a better way when this became necessary once again.
So they came up with the idea of letting the people peaceably overthrow the government every two years, whether it needed it or not - which, usually, it does. All 435 members of the House of Representatives can be fired every 730 days, give or take. The executive branch gets a one-revolution reprieve coming up to possibly be fired every four years and the Senate has immunity for two overthrows - only 1/3 of them can be pulled into the boardroom per revolution.
The greatest thing in all of this is that instead of Donald Trump, these candidates have to squirm and stutter while facing their bosses - you and me. And we can be much less forgiving than The Donald. Just ask Jimmy Carter.
So now we consider the boardroom. These candidates come in and toot their horns about how great they are or have been and how raunchy and stupid the other candidates are and how sorry you will be if you don't fire them. You have an opportunity to listen to all the yakking and even a few opportunities to ask questions and dig around looking for what the reality in the issue is. And then the moment of truth. You go into the polling location and check one box, effectively turning to the other candidate with a firm glare and saying "You're fired!"
So this is where you decide what constitutes a good job in your eyes. You be The Donald.
Me? I hate this health care bill. I hate the "because I'm the President" mentality in Washington - and not just from Obama. It is hard to comprehend that when visitors knocked on the front door of the White House, Thomas Jefferson answered it. John Tyler was playing marbles with his children when he learned he had become President. President John Quincy Adams swam in the Potomac...in the nude. I want someone real in there. I realize the world has changed and that the President won't be answering the door at the White House any time soon. But let's remember which one of us is the boss and which is the employee, ok?
That is just one example. And while the current political climate is heated, is it really any more partisan than when Vice President Aaron Burr killed former treasury secretary Alexander Hamilton in a duel over a slight related to an election? Is it more abrasive than when Congressman Preston Brooks walked into the Senate chamber and beat Senator Charles Sumner with a walking cane for having insulted Brooks' uncle, Andrew Butler? Partisan bickering in America predates the republic itself.
So now you have to sit in the big chair, weigh your candidates' performance in their duties or their preparedness to assume the duties anew. Then the decision is yours. Who do you fire? Who ever you keep be prepared to deal with them until the next boardroom in 2012.
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