So there we were, hunkered down in the drive through of the Wendy's at the corner of Buford Dr. and Buford Hwy in Buford. The fact that I used the word Buford three times in the same sentence is a pretty good indicator that this story has to be true. You can't make this stuff up. (It's a real location. Check Google Maps)
We were in a bit of a hurry as my lovely wife was participating in a special and important event and we were late. The boys and I were going to drop her off and head over to Buford Dam because we had heard that there was a place with "Dam Good Food" (You can't make that up either) and we were considering scoping out a fishing spot.
So we were trying to feed the lone lady in our travelling circus of Southern Culture. I was wondering what the hold up was when I heard that unmistakable voice call out at the microphone. Loucilla Pickens called out from the Chevrolet Beretta in front of us, "Yes...I got seven orders...". (And you didn't even know that Chevrolet made a fuchsia Beretta. I told you you can't make this stuff up.) Seven orders. What could they probably want?
"On my first order I want a small Frosty.and that's all."
"Ok, go ahead with your second order" replied the patient voice from inside.
"On the second order I want a large order of onion rangs..."
"Ma'am we don't have onion rings."
"Oh....Janeal, they ain't got no onion rangs...I don't know, Janeal...ok I'll ask 'em...hey, what kinda burger joint are y'all runnin up in here?"
And that. my friends was how we got caught up behind the Duchess of Paddlefoot, Ms. Janeal Picklesimer and her sidekick, Loucilla Pickens. Paddlefoot is the little place that Janeal calls home. She rents out apartments that used to be a fine motor lodge. Her husband, Carl (admit it, you thought I was going to say Buford) is a welder and a dang good one. He doesn't speak much but if you were married to one of the five women in Georgia that aren't afraid of a Waffle House waitress (except of course other Waffle House waitresses) you wouldn't speak much either.
Don't get me wrong, she's a sweet gal but if you get on her bad side you're gonna get cut.
I'm not sure what they were doing in Buford that afternoon but they obviously didn't need to be at a respectable establishment on South Lee Street in 15 minutes. I listened on in frustration while my younger companions snickered at such amazing questions like "Is there anythang smaller than small?" and "what kin I get for a dollar?" For those of you keeping score, the Wendy's at the corner of Buford and Buford in Buford also omits from their menu: corn dogs, chow-chow relish, BBQ goat and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. And, no, they don't have peanut butter and strawberry jelly sandwiches, either. If anything those two gals are persistent.
They finally left, for what I can only assume was a Randolph Mantooth fan club meeting, with a small frosty and a smaller-than-small bowl of chili.(I think the chili was a custom-made thing the manager concocted to get the dynamic duo out of her drive thru) The last thing I saw of them was Janeal flipping the ashes off the end of her Misty Ultra Light 120 and taking a swig off a one liter Diet Coke that she got from somewhere other than the Wendy's at the corner of Buford and Buford in Buford.
The good news is, the manager gave me 50% off my order and a sincere apology for the wait time.
50% off? did I mention how fond I am of Janeal and Loucilla?
Regardless, something tells me I haven't seen the last of that pair.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Knee Jerk
Thought for the week:
We live in an age that is constantly moving and shaking. Social media, 24-hour news, every talking head imaginable, even half-crazed bloggers slinging opinions faster than Waffle House hash browns.
That's a lot of noise. But how informative is it?
I'm guilty myself...a phenomenon that often leads me here, to hash something out for myself and maybe someone else.
Example: the latest prisoner exchange. The Taliban and the US have agreed to swap POWs. Obama is making a statement. You now have 6.34 seconds to form an opinion and voice it. And GO! What are the details? Who all is involved? What if th- TIME'S UP! Opinion, post it now!
No time for research, contemplation, or wisdom. No soul searching, no honesty, no deep thought processes. Just one knee jerk reaction after another.
Most of these reactions are based on party affiliation or some other form of group-think. I hate group-think.
So here's my challenge. You're free to challenge yourself as well. When an issue arises find the facts, take a deep breath, think it over, maybe reading it on real paper over two eggs with a side of bacon and a cup of coffee. Apply the morals, convictions and beliefs that you've developed gradually over the last few decades and arrive at an amendable conclusion - because details can change in a fast moving age. Be honest with yourself. You might even discuss it with a reasonable person of the opposite political stripe.
Most of all, take your time. It's not a race. You don't have to have an instant opinion. Everything from the latest national scandal to the next crisis at work can be negotiated wisely if we just avoid a knee jerk reaction.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
A Conservative Conundrum
By Sam Burnham
Question bugging me lately: What is a Conservative? Or maybe the better question is: what is Conservative? I'm talking about ideals, philosophies, principles, convictions, you name it. What is it that makes someone or something conservative?
I'm asking this question for a good reason. I want to know the answer.
I'd like to announce that I'm doing a series on this topic and that my next several posts will be on that subject. But if you've read this blog much you know that's an unrealistic claim. I'll get distracted and run something else and then revisit this conundrum when it comes back up.
I'm going to compare two scenarios in this installment. I'm asking that you read both with an open mind and consider the consequences of each one. I'm not asking anyone to change one inch of what they believe. It's not an attempt to persuade anyone to change political factions. If anything, it is an opportunity to look at our own beliefs and shore them up stronger and give and honest assessment of what we do and do not accept in our worldview.
Dateline, last summer, Happiest Place on Earth, Walt Disney World, Epcot. The conundrum begins in the line waiting to board Mission Space-Green Team. My teammate is 9 years old and is opting for "less-intense" training. In the bigger picture we're visiting on the-weekend-that-shall-not-be-named in an attempt to find smaller crowds by visiting the parks not affected by the infamous event's planned activities. It has worked like a charm. All of the red-shirted event attendees are elsewhere and crowds are pretty light.
But then we get called into the staging area and we're waiting on Gary Sinise to come on our screen and give us our flight instructions. I notice that two teams over stands two men in red shirts and a little girl. My first thought is that the red-shirt event was scheduled for Magic Kingdom and it was odd to see them at Epcot. But then I realized that 1) Epcot is only a short monorail ride and a park hopper pass from Magic Kingdom and 2) I'm committing a primary-level Southern faux pas. Staring. Realizing the error of my way, I offer a polite smile and a nod of greeting to the poor guy that was obviously suffering from stage fright. But I couldn't help but notice that these two men were standing in line just like me. They were talking with their child, just like I was. It was nothing like the footage of the pride parades I'd seen on TV. Just a family waiting in line for a ride at Disney World. Not a family exactly like mine but interestingly similar.
Fast forward about seven months.
My wife and I have escaped the real world for a romantic weekend getaway to, you guessed it, Happiest Place on Earth, Walt Disney World, Epcot. For this part of the conundrum we're at the Morocco Pavilion at the World Showcase - what Google Maps tells me is a 0.7 mile 13-minute walk from the first event.
The situation seems farther away than that.
We're walking through the themed area, shopping and getting our photo taken with Aladdin and Jasmine...you know, Disney stuff. As we walk around the corner we see a couple sitting on a bench. Well, he was sitting on the bench. She was sitting on him, straddling his lap. I guess it could be called sitting. It was more like gyrating like she was auditioning for a Miley Cyrus video or something. They were Siamese twins, conjoined at the lips and tongues. And they appeared to be searching for each other's body for hidden objects or something Right there in front of Walt and everyone. Several other couples were scattering, laughing, gagging, and screaming appropriate things like "hide the kids" or "don't look Ethyl" or "did someone tell them this is a family place?"
So there it was. A man and a woman, a "traditional" relationship. Like Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Thank God for fig leaves.
So here's my conundrum. Modern conservatism tells me that the first couple is not acceptable under any circumstances. The second one is fine after a stern 'get a room". My nine-year-old was not the least bit fazed by the first occurrence. I'm very thankful that he missed out on the second one. Which one would have been a bigger threat to my values that I've instilled in my son? Which one represented the acceptable way for a couple to behave in such a place? Which one was conservative? Keeping in mind that CONSERVative is literally the conservation of traditional values, mores and actions.
I'm not condoning or asking you to condone anything. but I think I make a valid point that what goes on in the open is a much greater threat to society than what goes on behind closed doors. And I think I'm comfortable saying that a heterosexual public grope-a-thon (or perhaps even a Republican politician that's been married 4 or 5 times) is a bigger threat to the institution of marriage than two men standing peacefully in line waiting to ride Mission Space with their child.
I hope you can agree with that assessment.
I'm fine with being conservative. I've been that way all my life. But if we're going to do it, let's do it right. Let's be honest about what threatens our values and make sure that we are making the right demands and holding the right people accountable for fulfilling them.
Question bugging me lately: What is a Conservative? Or maybe the better question is: what is Conservative? I'm talking about ideals, philosophies, principles, convictions, you name it. What is it that makes someone or something conservative?
I'm asking this question for a good reason. I want to know the answer.
I'd like to announce that I'm doing a series on this topic and that my next several posts will be on that subject. But if you've read this blog much you know that's an unrealistic claim. I'll get distracted and run something else and then revisit this conundrum when it comes back up.
I'm going to compare two scenarios in this installment. I'm asking that you read both with an open mind and consider the consequences of each one. I'm not asking anyone to change one inch of what they believe. It's not an attempt to persuade anyone to change political factions. If anything, it is an opportunity to look at our own beliefs and shore them up stronger and give and honest assessment of what we do and do not accept in our worldview.
Dateline, last summer, Happiest Place on Earth, Walt Disney World, Epcot. The conundrum begins in the line waiting to board Mission Space-Green Team. My teammate is 9 years old and is opting for "less-intense" training. In the bigger picture we're visiting on the-weekend-that-shall-not-be-named in an attempt to find smaller crowds by visiting the parks not affected by the infamous event's planned activities. It has worked like a charm. All of the red-shirted event attendees are elsewhere and crowds are pretty light.
But then we get called into the staging area and we're waiting on Gary Sinise to come on our screen and give us our flight instructions. I notice that two teams over stands two men in red shirts and a little girl. My first thought is that the red-shirt event was scheduled for Magic Kingdom and it was odd to see them at Epcot. But then I realized that 1) Epcot is only a short monorail ride and a park hopper pass from Magic Kingdom and 2) I'm committing a primary-level Southern faux pas. Staring. Realizing the error of my way, I offer a polite smile and a nod of greeting to the poor guy that was obviously suffering from stage fright. But I couldn't help but notice that these two men were standing in line just like me. They were talking with their child, just like I was. It was nothing like the footage of the pride parades I'd seen on TV. Just a family waiting in line for a ride at Disney World. Not a family exactly like mine but interestingly similar.
Fast forward about seven months.
My wife and I have escaped the real world for a romantic weekend getaway to, you guessed it, Happiest Place on Earth, Walt Disney World, Epcot. For this part of the conundrum we're at the Morocco Pavilion at the World Showcase - what Google Maps tells me is a 0.7 mile 13-minute walk from the first event.
The situation seems farther away than that.
We're walking through the themed area, shopping and getting our photo taken with Aladdin and Jasmine...you know, Disney stuff. As we walk around the corner we see a couple sitting on a bench. Well, he was sitting on the bench. She was sitting on him, straddling his lap. I guess it could be called sitting. It was more like gyrating like she was auditioning for a Miley Cyrus video or something. They were Siamese twins, conjoined at the lips and tongues. And they appeared to be searching for each other's body for hidden objects or something Right there in front of Walt and everyone. Several other couples were scattering, laughing, gagging, and screaming appropriate things like "hide the kids" or "don't look Ethyl" or "did someone tell them this is a family place?"
So there it was. A man and a woman, a "traditional" relationship. Like Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.
Thank God for fig leaves.
So here's my conundrum. Modern conservatism tells me that the first couple is not acceptable under any circumstances. The second one is fine after a stern 'get a room". My nine-year-old was not the least bit fazed by the first occurrence. I'm very thankful that he missed out on the second one. Which one would have been a bigger threat to my values that I've instilled in my son? Which one represented the acceptable way for a couple to behave in such a place? Which one was conservative? Keeping in mind that CONSERVative is literally the conservation of traditional values, mores and actions.
I'm not condoning or asking you to condone anything. but I think I make a valid point that what goes on in the open is a much greater threat to society than what goes on behind closed doors. And I think I'm comfortable saying that a heterosexual public grope-a-thon (or perhaps even a Republican politician that's been married 4 or 5 times) is a bigger threat to the institution of marriage than two men standing peacefully in line waiting to ride Mission Space with their child.
I hope you can agree with that assessment.
I'm fine with being conservative. I've been that way all my life. But if we're going to do it, let's do it right. Let's be honest about what threatens our values and make sure that we are making the right demands and holding the right people accountable for fulfilling them.
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